THE GATEKEEPER’S SAGA

Ah, university life. Loaded with never-ending lectures, questionable cafeteria food, and the occasional all-nighter. There is, however, one part of the journey that every student goes through, a canon event, and that’s facing The Gatekeepers. These professors aren’t here to teach or guide you—they’re here to see if you can survive. They’re the academic version of the final boss in a video game, standing between you and that shiny degree you dream about at night. Usually, you will encounter these mythical beings in your final year but sometimes they don’t stay at the top of the mountain. Oh no, sometimes they descend upon the commoners—the unsuspecting freshmen. And let me tell you, when just one of them comes down, it’s manageable. But when three of them decide to guard the front door of your academic journey, it’s a whole different level of chaos. If you’ve ever encountered one of these mythical beings, you know the struggle is real. But for those who haven’t yet ... let me paint you a picture.

It was the first semester of my third year. I walked into the classroom, ready to conquer the world. “This semester is going to be different,” I thought. I sat, opened my laptop, and the professor walked in. They first say, “If you’re taking more than four courses and this class is your fifth, please drop it “because you will fail.” I thought, Wow, it really be like that on the first day. No “Welcome back?” no “How was your break?” That day I knew I was cooked because I was not taking four courses; I was in six courses and that class was my seventh.

And if you thought that was bad? That same semester, I was in another class, and not even in the first week, the professor walked in and said, “Look around, at least five of you are guaranteed to fail.” And then, right after class, he walks up to me, gives me a handshake, and says, “Are you Wilfred?” I reply, “Yes” and he proceeds to say, “Looks like you are part of my top three.” At first, I almost felt honored—like, top three, wow!—until I realized he meant the top three people most likely to fail. I was like, aren’t you supposed to guide me to success??

Let me tell you, I’ve seen many fall in the battle against these mythical beings. Some survived, some are still fighting to this day, and others? They switched schools entirely. A few even changed majors, running for their lives to safer territory. All that to say, these Gatekeepers are no joke. They either break you or send you on a quest to find yourself ... somewhere far, far away.

Fear not, there are a few foolproof ways to identify these Gatekeepers:

1. The Constantly Laughing Professor

If you ever meet a professor who’s always smiling during class, don’t let your guard down. That same teacher will cheerfully cover 12 chapters in one lecture and then casually drop a surprise quiz on you the very next day. It’s all smiles and jokes—until you’re the one crying.

2. The Master of Backhanded Compliments

Ah, the professor who leaves glowing comments on your paper like, “Brilliant insight!” or “Exceptional work!” They’ll praise you to the heavens and then hit you with a grade so low, you’ll wonder if they even read the same essay. Trust me, if you leave their class feeling good, check your grade before celebrating.

3. The “I’ve Never Given an A” Professor

The moment you hear a professor proudly announce, “I’ve never given an A in any of my classes,” do I even need to say more? You are cooked, you are not the main character, you are not the chosen one, pack it up.

4. The Blatant Harbinger of Doom

And finally, the most obvious one—the professor who straight-up tells you, “You’re going to fail.” You’d think this would be the biggest red flag, right? But somehow, students keep missing it. It’s like watching a horror movie and ignoring the creepy music. When they tell you you’re going to fail, trust them—they know what they’re doing!

If you ever encounter a professor with one or more of these characteristics, run—and I mean run—as fast as you can! Like Joseph sprinting away when Potiphar’s wife tried to pull him into her schemes. Channel your inner speedster, “and if you can’t escape,” good luck.